In this week's post, Gromo pretends to be a film critic. Not wanting to appear cliché, he has picked some slightly less known indie titles instead of the usual box office fare. The titles are as follows:
- Brianna Banks' Bedroom
- Stacy Valentine - African Heat
- Naughty Office - Olivia
Gromo will now give a brief description of each movie, and rate them based on his perceptions of their worth -
Brianna Banks' BedroomBrianna Banks' Bedroom had an interesting storyline...if somewhat strange. The opening sequence shows a scantily clad Brianna sleeping fitfully on her fluffy queen sized bed. Shortly thereafter, a muscular man wearing only a utility belt approaches Brianna to make idle chit chat. A minute or so later, they were in the throes of passion, though the brief conversation earlier suggested an arms-length sort of friendship. The actual nature of their relationship couldn't be discerned, as the dialogue thereafter was limited to monosyllables. This definitely belongs in the surreal category. Gromo gives it 3 out of 10.
Stacy Valentine - African HeatA woman, who is presumably 'Stacy' (she wasn't addressed as such by the only other member of the cast) walks in to some possibly African living quarters. Inappropriately dressed for the African bush in black cowboy boots, flimsy cotton t-shirt and khaki shorts, she pokes around, and makes a vague impression of searching for something. Just as she is about to give up and leave, the presumable owner arrives (a lot of presumptions have to be made to make up for the lack of cues/narration/other means of communicating the plot to the viewer). After staring just a bit too long, he lets loose a stream of wild accusations that could not possibly be discerned by the sane viewer. 'Stacy' is mildly offended, and tries to storm off, presumably back to the African bush. She is caught by the man just as she exits, and is firmly pushed on to a nearby crate. With just a hint of a glare, she quickly succumbs to his non-existent charms and is engulfed in the inferno of his passion. 20 minutes later, the movie is over. Gromo gives this clunker 2 out of 10.
Naughty Office - OliviaAt least the title gives a hint of the location. Some woman (this story does not appear to support the traditional convention of giving in-movie names to the cast) bitches about having to buy the chips with dip for a company picnic after some idiot stole some idea of hers for something. The stiff (Gromo refers to wooden acting here) male star nods self-consciously, and mumbles something sympathetic. The woman asks him about his wife, to which the man replies in a terribly monotonous voice "Uh, she's good, you know, raising the kids, cooking the food, stuff like that. She and I are getting closer, yes, we are resolving our issues, yes, you know, its good". The woman, for no apparent reason, takes this as a reason to pounce on him and make passionate love. For all his enthusiastic declarations of love for his wife, the male protagonist is shown to have a somewhat short memory. Bearing this in mind, it's probably a good thing they didn't give him too many lines, as illustrated below in an extract from the film script:
Woman: "do -ugh- you like -ah- fu-eh-cking me?"
Man: "
<grunt> <grunt> <grunt>"
Woman: "do you li-ah-ke -ugh- -argh- farrr-uh-cking me?"
Man: " <grunt> <grunt> <grunt>"
Woman: "-oh- -ah- do you like f-uh-ucking meee?"
Man: " <grunt> <grunt> <grunt>"
Gromo doesn't see this fellow doing that well in the movie industry. Though hardly conclusive, this gets a rating of 5 of out 10 for a natural progression in storyline. It was however, slightly suspicious that for a good 20 minutes, nobody seemed to want to come in to the company kitchen area during what seemed like a normal working day. Maybe they were all out on a picnic.
